Eighteen going on nineteen. I listen to alternative rock. I like adrenaline. Mohawks. Emotions. Neon lights. Colours. Horror / thrillers. Mocha Frap. Sidney Sheldon. Eric Bana. Midnight. Pretty places. Big appetite for food and an even bigger one for life. Generally nice enough.
Interests:Deep eyes, neon city lights, mocha frap at starbucks, drum rhythms like heartbeats, sidney sheldon, walking in the rain, pastamania, sugar rushes, adam's apples, extreme sports, still life photography, private time, cuddles and hugs, vibrancy, colours, cold saturday nights, louis vuitton, prada, chocolate dipped strawberries, sour skittles, fast cars, adrenaline, anchor beer, late night rendezvous, emotional rollercoasters, frolicking in the sun, yogurt, Eric Bana, folded scribbly letters,secrets, carnations & sunflowers, the colour red, being seventeen.
School keeps me busy during the term time, and in the holidays I've been getting lazier and lazier to write full posts. So I'm planning to use my Tumblr more often now instead because I figure Xanga is more for lengthy text posts whereas on Tumblr I can just reblog images and quotes I like. Also because Xanga has been bugging out on me lately, sometimes I want to write something but the pages just keep saying there's an error so I get too frustrated and just give up. For example this simple post took me aaaages to try and publish. Never been a Tumblr girl but, shall try it out.
Yesterday, you came over and we studied together. After you left you messaged me, asking me to look in my bag. I found there a carefully folded note addressed to me and opened it, and this is what it said: 'Just to let you know that I love you.'
How did I ever find someone this amazing? You do little things like that, all the time, that make me feel like you truly think I'm lovely. I never thought anyone would make me feel so treasured. You are one in a million.
I don't know why people are structured in such a way that they run after something the more it pushes them away. It makes me ridiculously annoyed and sad when I see someone chasing after another person who clearly wants nothing to do with them, clearly is just toying with their feelings. Especially when they pull all the drama and talk lengthily about how they're finally letting go, they're giving up on them, but fast forward three months later they're still going on about the same thing before they start claiming that this time they're going to move on for good. Again. I mean really, it's so degrading. You're pretty and talented and can very well survive independently, why cling on to this fragile thread for life support? Move the fuck on. We've all had the bad breakups, the almosts, the ones that unworthily stole our precious time and emotions, the ones that we willingly subjected ourselves to hurt and ridicule by because we thought they were worth it only to find out they weren't. It's not the end of the world. You're better than that, better than letting someone walk all over you, using you as he pleases. Maybe it's your turn to walk away, give them something to chase after. Maybe I feel so strongly about this now because I might have wasted my energy in a similar way before, and having awakened from such stupidity I can't believe how silly it was. People are not animals, they cannot be trained to love and if their love was an entity birthed from force then what is the point? Why be with someone who has to be told to love you, who doesn't appreciate you for who you already are (flaws and all)? I believe it is never worth investing a single emotion or thought in someone who won't reciprocate even after having been given the chance. You are beautiful, you are okay on your own, you don't need anyone else to have worth. Keep calm and carry on.
Sometimes it's hard to get this across to you face-to-face because I'm more than half-sure you're not going to believe me, either that or you'll just nod and say 'mm' and I'll know you're not convinced. So here it goes: I'm not an easy person to get to know, or impress. Of course, I'm not talking about acquaintanceship - it is easy to know who someone is, to say hi and exchange funny stories and make conversation with. But I'm not easy to really get to know because I am afraid that the more I say the more I will be judged, especially now that I've learned from experience that that is indeed true, and so I prefer to keep to myself until someone really makes me feel comfortable enough to let a bit more of myself out. I used to be a much more open person, used to be okay with telling even my most private feelings to anyone who was little more than a distant friend. But I've since found out that being open only ever hurt me, so these days I am polite and friendly enough but in general not too keen about connecting with anyone new. I'm satisfied with the ones I'm close to and it seems like building strong friendships with people requires a great deal of energy and effort, sometimes I just don't feel quite up to it nowadays. I'm the kind of person who isn't going to be any more impressed even if someone's an excellent soccer player, if he scores straight A's, or if he's exceptionally good-looking or talented or even if he treats me especially nicely. I'm not trying to say I'm above that, that I am even good enough to choose, because I definitely am not. It's just that these things don't mean shit to me because I just don't get swayed like that and you're the only one that makes my heart grow warmer, you with your annoying wisecracks and adorable laugh and even you with your frequent paranoia. I don't promise to be the best, but I promise that there's no one else in my eyes that can compare to you. You're the only one that's even capable of affecting me in any way. I wish you knew that. Happy ninth month :)
In her commemoration, this is my favourite song of hers.. First heard it five years ago and it's sharp and snarky, I love it.
Fuck Me Pumps
When you walk in the bar, And you dressed like a star, Rockin' your F me pumps.
And the men notice you, With your Gucci bag crew, Can't tell who he's lookin' to.
Cause you all look the same, Everyone knows your name, And that's your whole claim to fame.
Never miss a night, Cause your dream in life, Is to be a footballer's wife. You don't like players, That's what you say-a, But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
You don't like ballers, They don't do nothing for ya, But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller.
You're more than a fan, Lookin' for a man, But you end up with one-night-stands.
He could be your whole life, If you got past one night, But that part never goes right.
In the morning you're vexed, He's onto the next, And you didn't even get no taste.
Don't be too upset, If they call you a skank, Cause like the news everyday you get pressed.
You don't like players, That's what you say-a, But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
Or them big ballers, Don't do nothing for ya. But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller,
You can't sit down right, Cause you jeans are too tight, And you're lucky it's ladies' night.
With your big empty purse, Every week it gets worse, At least your breasts cost more than hers.
So you did Miami, Cause you got there for free, But somehow you missed the plane.
You did too much E, Met somebody, And spent the night getting caned.
Without girls like you, There'd be no fun, We'd go to the club and not see anyone.
Without girls like you, There's no nightlife, All those men just go home to their wives.
Don't be mad at me, Cause you're pushing thirty, And your old tricks no longer work.
You should have known from the job, That you always get dumped, So dust off your fuck me pumps
